Wednesday, November 2. 2005High School Crush Last night I watched the Canadian movie Denial, and it touched me immensely. It was about this jock and his high school crush. Well maybe not exactly his crush in high school, but they were high school buddies and then he is so madly in love with him. This guy Merrick is in denial and continues to sleep with the confused jock, Troy. And at the end Troy decides to leave and get a life for himself.My goodness, so much it reminded of my own story. Well you see, it wasn't exactly the same story I had in high school, but the story reminded me of my feelings to him so much. "The high school crush," I hate this feeling. I am having butterflies in my stomach all over again. It's more than 10 years and what, I still can't get over it? Apparently so. Nothing ever happened, and nothing will ever happen. At least, I told him that I was gay last year. He was cool about it but he never told me that he was gay either. Oh bummer. Okay, I convinced myself that he's in denial. Does it make a difference? No, I don't really think so. The butterflies are still here. I just want to touch him and kiss him in the dark. I want to bury my head in his chest. I never know why I have so much feelings for him. Perhaps he was so handsome. Perhaps it was his smile, or perhaps that he always talked to me differently and so gently. He was a total jock but he always talked to me so timidly and gently. How could I not go crazy?
It's still haunting me, apparently. And I can't even say his name out loud nor I can't type it out here. I feel so guilty of thinking of him, but I can't help his smiling face from popping up. It was yet so long long ago (I mean, high school!) but the feelings struck me again just like I was still in school, looking forward to see him every morning. There are also those feelings I got when I constantly turned around in the classroom and took a peek at him, seeing that he looked at me and smiled, oh my goodness. Afterall, these are the kind of feelings that remind me that I had one of those crushes too, when I was young. And it's romantic and sweet, even though nothing ever happened. It was meant to be a crush and it should remain as fantasy. It was my sweet 16 and I am glad that I had those sweet feelings. Trackbacks
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